i dont know

so i guess i am always yelling at people. last night more than one person told me 'hey, you look really nice, i didnt recognize you, now that you are not yelling at someone' who says that? how mean is that?! i dont think i yell too much [maybe i do], and come on, if my grade is on the line, or you are doing something stupid and you know its stupid then you just deserve to get yelled at. people just dont understand that for some of us, things are not handed to easily, we gotta fight for things and when that happens one gets used to being like that and become though and sometimes, it is hard to be nice. mainly because when you are nice and take your defenses down then something happens, something causes you a lot of pain and then you remember why the wall was up in the first place and build a new one with double the strenght. and i know that we shouldnt be like that, but i bet that those people who say that have great lives ya know. they are the smart, happy go lucky, everything is so frigging perfect and in the right place in my life ones. no i am not hatting on them. i am just saying. and i may be wrong, i may be judging a book by its cover... but arent they doing the same thing to me. only cause you saw me yelling at someone once [or a dozen times, whatever] that does not mean i am a mean bitch. so dont judge. i dunno, maybe this is a rant, maybe not. but i just thought i should write it down. but seriously, i just wish i had a fast foward option. i wish i could fast foward this whole thing and get to the point in life when things get better, i dont even know. is it when i graduate, and if so... what the fuck am i gonna do then?! go home? stay? who the heck knows. i guess im not dealing well with change. i wish things could be like they were before, maybe like they were when the kent hole crew was here. those were some good times, unlike now. and dont get me wrong, i know i am fortunate, i am lucky. life has been good to me. an education, food, friends, family. but i guess i am just a selfish little bitch who wants it all. truthfully, right now i dont want it all. i just want to pass this, i want things to be ok again. and some people reading this may think its about them, well, what do you think? maybe it is, maybe it isnt. im only human.